Hudfärgs betydelse

Har precis lyssnat till en intressant diskussion om hudfärg. Kort men väldigt bra. Jag håller med alla och hoppas att den här diskussionen kan fortsätter i Sverige.

http://svt.se/svt/play/video.jsp?a=1274788

Amsterdam, here I come!

I am going to Ansterdam today! Yipeee! My first holiday in more than a year. Granted it is a short ine and the weather prognosis is wet and chilly but I am determined to enjoy it. 

I have been to Ansterdam countless times. But have never seen the city. Well, you see I have always restricted my movements to the corridors and shopping of Schipol, the international airport. Now I get to see the city. 

I can't wait to get on to the canal bus, wander through the streets. Sit at the cozy cafés, find great bookshops and spend hours there, see the museums, the old church. The list is endless and I hope the weather allows. Of course there will be no stopping my excursions, come rain or high water. Though I should not really mention the latter as it may happen and given that I will be below sea level for a week, it is not a comforting thought.

Books I want to read

Thought I would write these down before I forget. You know how it is; you see a wonderful book and say to yourself that you would definitely like to read that. Before you know it you do not recall what the title was, let alone th author. All that remains is a lingering memory of having despeately wanted to read some exciting book. Now, I should stop with the rambling before I actually forget what I REALLY want to write:

Satanic Verses

Kalla det vad fan du vill

Gomorrah

Snabba cash

 This list will grow as I recall (hopefully!) the others and as I find new ones.

Have realised what a blessing, or whatever one would call it, it is to be able to read in three languages. Unfortunately there are not so many books of genre that I like written in Luganda. But that's okay. 

Enjoying bed solitude...

Well, I should be sleeping but the wonderful sleep is being elusive.  Since I had not written yesterday, tough this would be an opportune time. My significant other is at the moment sleeping in the couch while I work from the cosy warmth of our bed. No, it is not I who banish him to the sofa- Though I do not mind hogging up the whole bed. :-D. It is infact his favourite place to sleep- Though he would vehemently deny this. But only because I think he feels it would not be right to admit that he enjoys the discomfort of cramping his 6ft plus body in a narrow and hard 3ft sofa with his nake cranked at an impossible angle. He would think it was especially embarrassing to admit that he enjoys this more than the warm comfort of his bed with a soft body close by. Well, T,V and the couch always win. I am getting used to it and started actually enjoying it. So I do not bother to wake him up anymore. For who would not bask in the luxury of a big warm bed all to oneself? Hmmm.... :-D 

Wanted to write a little more. But I am starting to feel sleepy. So I will doze off. Or at least try to. More about the job hunt and the Tanzanian guy in med school tomorrow. Tra la!

Of hair and guilt

As most women do now and then, I had my hair done. Cannot really say what I did. For then all would know the secret of my new radiance. Suffice it t say that I now understand how Beyonce, Rihanna, Lil' Kim, Tyra Banks and all those other African American ladies manage to have gorgeus hair that is longer than anything I have seen on an African head. :-D. Now, you might be thinking, "Well, here she goes, another grandiose woman." But no worries, I do not in the least look like any of them. A little shorter and less curvaceous many would agree. Now I have a full head of beautifully soft and glorious hair and plan to enjoy it while it lasts. 

The whole hair thing got me reflecting on the topic of preoccupation with hair. Most women ( I envy the few who are not included) have a love-hate relationship with their hair. Of these women I would say that women of African descent have a more troublesome relationship with our hair. Being bombarded with beauty images, movies and all of women with long flowing hair, we incorporate this idea of beauty into our subconscious. We then strive to achieve it. And believe me, this is no mean feat. The biggest hurdle to our gorgeousness (or so we think), is this amazingly kinky hair the majority of us are born with. See there, "kinky" is the word that is often used to describe the tight curls that cover our heads... and other regions. But is that not a negative word? "Kinky"?  Well, we of course have to go from kinky to soft, flowing and beautiful. The hours and money put inot this endevour are enough to support many kids in any one village with food, shelter and school fees for several years if not a lifetime. 

Having said all that, even though I am usually a sane and reasonable person, I join the insanity of trying to change my hair into something it was not meant to be. And waste resources in the process. But oh! How beautiful the product is! (Sometimes! ;-D). Today was one of those insane behaviour days. 

I struggle with the reality of the selfishness of the hairdo, but marvel at, piroutte and run my fingers through my gloriously soft and long hair. Well, mine for now. And I blame the hairdresser who reminded me of how the money I spent on doing the hair could support several children through school for years for this bad conscience. Maybe I should put to use an equal amout of money for a worthy children's cause everytime I spend on hair? Going to seriously consider this. Maybe with this I will convince my dearly beloved that dreadlocks are a wonderful idea.

Speaking of dreadlocks, why is there still such a big negative fuss about them in Sweden? Whenever I have talked about getting short lovely ones I have been told that it would not be looked upon favourably, especially in my profession. Give that I have not yet reached the self actualization level, I am conforming.

Dental woes and dental fleecing.

After yesterdays fiasco with the extra charge I called the tandläkare mottagning. Jag pratade men en trevlig kvinna som förklarade att tandläkaren hade nog gjort någon behandling. I told her that that was definitely not the case as my treatment was scheduled for after the penicillin treatment. She said she would ask the dentist to call back. She has not yet. Well, what can I say? It seems some people take their right to set their own charges too far. I thing it is lämplig för tandläkaren att säga att jag ta 650kr i undersöknings avgifter istället för att påstå att man har gjort en behandling som patienten har ingen aning om. I guess I have to admit that I was fleeced.

My regular dentist is tjänstledig, (basically away from work) till january! Woe is me, woe is me. I have to find someone else to remove this tooth as there is no way I am going back to that other one who overcharged me. There is no more trust there and without trust, I do not have the confidence in her to fiddle around in my mouth. A friend's fiance may help with a refferal to his dentist who he swears by. 

I am wondering how it would be for me a s a psykiatrist to charge oturageous amounts for someone who comes in for 15 minutes, I take a brief history, decide they have a borderline personality disorder, say that they should come back for treatment next week and then charge for consulatation and for treatment. 3000kr tack!

Simply unfair: Of teeth and dental charges

Was at the dentist's this afternoon, or rather evening. Had not drained my abcess today so it looked pretty impressive. Having examined me she decided that I needed antibiotics and that the tooth needed to be extracted. 

Extraction! ! ! That means I will have two whole teeth gone from my lower jaw! And they are both molars, one from each side. How is one supposed to chew and enjoy food!? Well, she did not even poke the yellow mess to let it drain a little. So, with a date booked I went to the recetion, paid my bill and left.

First, I was shocked at the price. 670kr for this brief visit. A similar visit to my regular dentist with exactly the same examination, x-rays and even a littl more done I had paid 350kr from which had been deducted försäkringkassas very generous contribution of 150kr. Now here I was paying so much more. On checking the receipt again, I found that they had billed, apart from the examination and x-ray, 340kr for treatment and simple procedures towards treatment of the problem. BUT WHICH TREATMENT! ! ? I only got a prescription. (I had also got one from my old dentist who charged me only 350kr). In my opinion, this is daylight robbery. But I will give the office the benefit of doubt and assume that being the last patent of the day, they were tired and confused and billed for something they did not do. I will call them tomorrow to ask about this. And in the future, I will stick to my old faithful and fun dentist! Serves me right for dentist shopping. 

Simply disgusting!

For several weeks now I have struggled with tooth pain. Being a tooth that had undergone root canal therapy last year and then rechecked (because of a nagging pain) both in July and August this year, I was sure it was an infection. Dessutom gjorde tanden ont när jag tuggade men inte med kyla eller värma saker. Jag bestämde mig att det var en infektion. Det vad det tandläkaren hade konstatererat i Juli när han gav mig tio dagar av Flagyl. Efter fem av de dagarna var jag helt färdig med Flagylen. Det kände mig så himla sjuk att jag kräktes och mådde så dålig att jag slutade med behandlingen. Jag tyckte också att fem dagar räckte. Då var allt bra tills för tre veckor sedan när smärtan återuppstod. 

Jag borstade tänderna och sköljde med Listerine 3 ggr/dygn men det hjälpte inte. För fem dagar sedan märkte jag någon svullning på tandköttet. Efter tre dagar blen svullning gul. Pus! I said to myself and rinsed even more fervently with listerine. Well, why didn't I go to the dentist you might ask. For one, the whole process is a pain, call, try to book an appointment, no, sorry the re is no appointment till next month. Oh.. no, maybe the earliest we can get you is next week. And the last time I had been there with tooth pain, albeit without pus, it had all seemed so much like maybe this and maybe that and I cannot be sure if this infection like thing we see under this tooth was present before they did the root canal or is a new development. Well, I figured I could self medicate with my stash of antibiotics. Problemet vad att allt jag hade inte var verksamt mot de bakterierna som orsaker peridontal abcesses. Igår, efter att jag hade märkte att the pus filled abcess was growing, ringde jag min syrra och berättade. Hon föreslog att jag skulle tar de antibiotikerna som jag har medan jag försökte ta reda på hur snabbt jag kunde få en tid hos tandläkaren. Det gjorde jag. I morse upptäckte jag att situationen var värre. Eftersom jag visste att pus must be evacuated, bestämde jag att göra egna åtgärder. 

A few minutes ago I took a needle, sterilised it first with hibitane then with a flame till it glowed red. I then went to the bathroom mirror and lanserade the abcess! Eeeewwww! Didgusting. There was a substatial amount of pus. Okay like 2ml which came out. Jag tryckte lite grann på surrounding tandköttet och tried to empty the pus. Some came out between the tooth and the gum. Ewwweeee! Yuck! After wiping it away with some cotton, I brushed my teeth and the whole mouth and rinsed with the all powerful ;-) listerine.  And I am not even living in the jungle. This is in the middle of Stockholm!

Now I seriouly have to go to a dentist. Been thinking that maybe I might even develop osteomylitis of the jaw! How terrible that would be! Not flattering at all. And certainly notcontribute to heavenly smelling breath! Now I have to check the dental surgeries for who can take me as early as possible tomorrow morn.

Tra la! 

Progress with the job hunt

Everything seems to be looking up. Mannen är tillbaka :-) . 

The job situation is looking more and more positive. Studierektorn har mejlat och sagt att det verkar möjligt att få jobbet. Han till och med har frågat när jag tror jag kan börja arbeta. :-). Frågan om om jag kan har ett samtal med patienterna svarade jag till med att visst det kan jag fäst inte så bra som på Engelska.

Jag hade också frågat en före detta handledare på det PhD som jag satt stopp till om han kan vara min referree. Eftersom han är den enda svensk läkare som känner till min förfluten som psykiater och forskare. Han sa ett stort ja! :-) With a lot of good encouragement.

So, forward we march.

Nature's beauty

One of my favourite places. Since it's cold and grey today I will use this as the background of my mental state and cheer up even more.

I have grudgingly come to appreciate the splendour of four seasons. Comparing this picture to the nature outside my window now, I am amazed at the change of colours and the beauty of life and death...Now I am not just being morbid. But there is a beauty in the graceful ageing (or rather chilling) of nature in autumn and its re birth in the spring. 

Arbetsförmedlingen in snobby quarters

Yesterday afternoon I went to an arbetsförmedlingen office in the "snobbier" part of Stockholm. I was in for a surprise. Having thought that all AFs were plain offices full of jobless people whose eyes remind one of a deer caught in the headlights, stressed ladies manning the reception and the uncomfortable air of arbetslöshet, I was taken aback by the relative plushness of the offices. Now do not think deep carpets and old french paintings... no, but the location of the offices in the heart of snobtown, the beautiful marble stairs leading up to the first floor space. The ornately decorated high ceilings, the fresh smell, crisply upholstered waiting chairs, privacy dealing separating the large airy reception with a big window covering it in beautiful light from the waiting area. Everything was beautiful and surely fit for this snobby place. I think though that all other AFs should be designed this way to improve the self esteem and lift the spirits of the arbetslösa. 

The visit went really well. Having been told by a relatively snotty lady at reception. (Who I had tried to charm with my open smile) that I could not possibly see the person I had been referred to without an appointment, I told her that I had called and left a message the previous day without a call back. She went on to say "only yesterday!?" with a sneery smile that you give to five year olds who do not know what they are doing. "Well that is too early" she said. "Sometimes it takes up to several days before she can get back to you.". I thought, "Herregud! Is this some kind of high level government office where the super godly boss is too busy to answer voicemails for days!?". 

Well, I told her I could wait to see if the lady would see me or I would try to make an appointment now! Rolling her eyes, she sofetned a bit but kept repaeting, like a mantra, how busy this lady was. Afetr a few minutes waiting I managed to see this BUSY lady. Who turned out to be really pleasant and helpful. She seems a type A personality though. Trying to rush through things and life. But that is just my opinion. 

She explained to me a lot of what I already know, and told her I had already been through. Maybe this was to help her memorise the procedure too. She then told me to call the studierektor who would be responsible for employing me (whom I told her I had already been in touch with) and see how things go. I would then give her a call and caht about how things are going next monday.

One would ask why I went there and what I benefit from AF. It is simply the ability to have someone who Ican explain to what I have done so far, who would then confirm that I am on the right track or that I am navigating the system wrong. Somebody who knows the swedish healthworker system and how to get me in as soon as possible.

Now I am further along the road. Found an e amil from the Studierektor that I replied last night. I gave more info on who would be paying my salary and all. Yes, AF was very helpful after all since they had given me this information which I was then able to use. :-)

So, another day today and a continuation of my job hunt.

Sweet dreams

I had a wonderful dream today.

 I do not remember the details but I know it was a happy dream. I was speaking to some people, discussing books, novels, politics, life. I felt understood and I could understand them. Comfortable, myself, in the zone. We laughed and smiled. But mostly, I remember that fuzzy feeling of completeness. I have not felt that in a long time. And though it was was only in a dream, it still lifts me up.  

Trying to tap the subconscious, understand why I dreamt this... Maybe it is because I have started looking for a job, being really hopeful that I will get one. That I am getting back on my feet psychologically? Whatever it is, joy and contentment are bubbling in my heart this grey rainy Stockholm morning.

Jobhunting in Stockholm

Another semi productive day. 

After making copies of my documents I set off for Liljeholmen where the AF for this area lies. Having learnt that sunshine does not necessarily translate to warmth in the northern hemisphere, I wrapped myself in my down jacket and ran to the t-bana. The visit to AF was productive. Though it originally had threatened to end in disappointment. Apparently their computer system was down and this lady announced( after I had been waiting for an hour plus) that we would all need to come back another day since the computers were not working. (They were actually but maybe the intranet or something was not working). 

A though came to me then, what did people use to do before computers came? I mean, how can they just not work coz the computers are down? Can you imagine those poor jobless people who, just like me had been waiting? Well, I told the lady manning reception that I believed my errand did not require a computer. She first sceptically asked what I thought could be done without a computer. After explaining, she seemed to believe me and showed me to these really helpful people. A beautiful cheerful lady. She was not physically beautiful but she was so attractive because she radiated happiness. She in turn referred me to this guy David who was very helpful and kind. Like both of them went the extra mile to help me. My believe in AF was therefore salvaged.

Gotta go not... have to meet a friend who is getting married. We will try and find the florist who made my bouquet so she can do hers too.

Om att inte älskar

During my shower five minutes ago, I was pondering on dislike. The emotion of dislike. What is the difference between dislike and hate? I know that there are dictionary explanations of the subtle differences. But is there really any difference in the way dislike feels vis a vis what hatred feels like. Känner man annorlunda när man hatar någon eller dislikes them? I do not think so. I think the one is what we tell ourselves we do when we do not want to appear "evil" in other people's eyes. But the truth is that we really hate them. If we said the H- word though, we would be labelling ourselves as unforgiving and mean people. (Which we really are, coz of the feelings deep inside where no one can see.) But of course we do not want others to know that we are "bad". 

So we keep on lying to others, and eventually, a lie told often enough becomes the truth, especially to the liar. 

What got me thinking about this dark subject? Though I must admit I do not find it very dark. Well, my feelings towards someone. In te beginning, I wanted us to be friends. I thought it would be cool. Sharing a life, me helping to explain tings, supporting when support was needed and laughing when that was called for. 

In the course of the past year, things have been done, said to my face and behind my back that have completely eroded any kind of trust. In the beginning, all was supposed to be good. I did not understand swedish and all was fine. Then slowly, I began to understand. And neither one of them knew how much I really understood. One time, sitting at the table, she smiled across to him and said something really mean and nasty about me. My heart was crushed as I realised that this had probably gone on for a long time. I was the stupid duck sitting at the table and smiling along when they smiled. Little knowing that I could have been smiling about a crude and mean comment about me. More of these happened. The swearing, the demands for things, things and more things. The inability to appreciate, no, lets say the ability to chew out and spit, with all sorts of profanities her own father after their shopping sprees and the terror she brought into the home. All this has slowly but surely eroded all the love, understanding and all I ever felt. Sometmes there is a flash of the love I had at first. But then it is quickly reminded of the hope that has been crushed under the sole of a dirty shoe once too often. 

I have unfortunately, no, actually that is a hypocritical "unfortunately". I have come to at the best feel numb and at the worst loathe her. I feel a little sad sometimes. But I believe I tried and have been abused so many times, and seen how others have been manipulated and abused, that I needed to preserve myself. So I started to take myself out of the equation. But I need to take myself out more. Just have not figured out how to do that. In the meantime, I live with someone, who I feel less for than the neighbour downstairs. And it all began with a mean word, then a shout about how I am not her mother, and several attempts to emotionally bully and put me down... even infront of company.

Nostalgia, make-up and cowardly anger

Been to town to meet a friend from my homeland. It was great to see someone I could relate to on a professional level and who also knew me personally. Been reading Shantaram. Actually finished reading it last night. What a great book! I have not enjoyed a book so much for so long. So well written. I wonder how he could write so that the reader wants to go on reading... just flipping the pages. Not like the deckare that seem to fill the shelves of bookstores here in Stockholm. 

We took a walk in town. It was a beautiful sunny day today. warm, but with the frisk autumn air keeping the nip in the air. 

I went into Åhléns City. Looking for a make up brush. You know, one of those thinck short ones that look so pretty and look like they feel so soft.  Given that this is not my forte, I was ready to ask the ladies in the make up booths for help. I was helpfully shown a beautiful brush, just the thing I was looking for. Joy filled my heart nad my face lit up, but I soon came crushing down... it cost 459kr! ! ! That is more than 50 Usd! For a make up brush! Okay, that brush, however great it looks and feels, is definitely not for me. 

Who buys a make up brush for that kind of money! I mean, it is definitely not a business tool. It is not going to make me any money! Why would I buy it at that price? I am still beaten when I think of the price of that brush... and it was not gold plated either. 

Called husband dear. He is in a land far a way. He was grumpy and I regretted calling him. Now I will wait for him to call.

Almost lost my cool just a few minutes ago. Just when I was starting to write the first line, my "bonus barn" came in. Having replied cooly, almost frostily to my cheery "Hi" she headed for the fridge. "Finns det ingen mjölk?!" she asked in a whining tone. I have just finished off the last. I replied. "Man måste äter flingor till frukost och det finns ingenting att äter dem med."  She said. But of course there was a lot of yoghurt... "Kan du inte gå och handla sen det vad du som tog slut på den? " ...Or something like that, said in more correct Swedish of course. Well, I really get retad av that swedish expression. "Kan du inte". I am sure it is part of my lostness in translation. It just seems so rude. Why, is there no phrase in the Swedish language that says something like the equivalent of "Would you please buy some more milk" ? And what is this about since you are the one who finished the food, milk or whatever, then you have to buy more? Well, I said that I would go and buy the milk, even if it had not been me who'd finished it, I would stil go and buy it. Now, I am left, my cowardly self who is unable to stand up for myself, to to going out on this autumn evening all the way to the grocery store to buy a packet of milk. Well I guess the child, who has egna ben and ll would die of one day without milk for breakfast.

On a more positive note, tomorrow I start looking for a job! 

New beginnings

An invandrad läkare, I wander around stockholm. I wonder when I will fully integrate. It should not take long. In the meantime, ska jag börja en tvåspråklig blogg. 

  Eftersom jag inte kan så bra svenska kommer jag att bloggar på engelska... I think. Men vi får se. Kanske blir det svenska språket lättare med tiden. 

It's one year five months and two weeks since I moved to Sweden. And it is a year and five weeks since I started learning Swedish. 

  I am finished the Svenska B language training yesterday! ! Yippeee! Now son of man (or daughter of woman in this case) can go on with life. I will begin seriously looking for a job starting next week. Cannot wait to start work, get back with the patients and other people in the hospital. Funny but it is indeed a social networking place, the hospital. All the other people one works with become part of ones life.

Well, I hope that is the way it is here in Sweden too. 

  I have in the last year been humbled by the realisation that not all europeans are the same. ha ha! Yes, you know, I imagined that since I already had the British and Americans worked out... and a little experience with the germans, well, Sweden would be a piece of cake. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! It has been quite a ride... :-D.  I now start life "for real" . 

On monday I will go to Arbetsförmedlingen. It is the governmental authority that helps one sort out employment and such stuff. I have not heard of a similar authority in the U.K or U.S. I was told by a potential employer that I had to register myself with them first so I could get some kind of insurance cover... in order to be in the hospital as a non licensed doctor. 

It feels strange, having to work as a non licensed doctor. But I am not complaining. I at least do not need to do the kunskaps prov and all. Looking forward to any kind of work... I mean in the hospital.

I hear howling in my kitchen and gotta go check it out... Oh, it was just a family member trying to sing.. :-)